Late Night Political Jokes - January - Week #3
“Vice President Cheney pulled a muscle in his back. Did you see him in the wheelchair today? You would think being in a wheelchair would make Cheney more sympathetic, but it made him look kind of evil, didn’t it?” –Jay Leno
“Well, did you all see Obama’s speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: ‘Hey, I’m sitting here! Hello! I’m still here!’” –Jay Leno
“I thought Obama gave a great speech. But I think he may have promised too much, like when he promised to bring the dog from the ‘Marley & Me’ movie back to life. That seemed over the top to me.” –Jay Leno
“Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That’s the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner.” –Jay Leno
“Everybody was using superlatives today to talk about this historic day, all the broadcasters. During NBC’s coverage, Brian Williams said that the inauguration is like the Super Bowl. Yeah. The only difference is that the New York Jets had a chance to go to the inauguration.” –Conan O’Brien
“Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish.” –Conan O’Brien
“Now, people who went to elementary school with Barack Obama say that they remember him as a chubby boy named Barry. Yeah. And folks, even as we speak, those people’s tax returns are being audited.” –Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“They estimate that around two million people crowded in to the National Mall to see Obama’s swearing-in ceremony, which is the first time a mall has been crowded in about a year.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“You know, I tell you something, it’s silly to say that President Bush was the worst president of all time. We don’t know that. All we can say is that he was the worst president so far, right?” –Jimmy Kimmel
“This is also Dick Cheney’s last full day in office. Actually, he spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to $4 a gallon.” –Jay Leno
“And if you watch the news, you know a lot of celebrities in Washington for the inauguration. Isn’t that unbelievable? So many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu, they had to close the Promises Rehab Center for a week.” –Jay Leno
“Good luck trying to find a place to stay. Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up. ” –Jay Leno
“And that was quite a pre-inaugural show they put on in Washington yesterday. Then Barack Obama got up and he told the crowd that ‘anything is possible in America’ except, of course, the Eagles being in the Super Bowl.” –Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that’s how you know this war has been going on too long, okay. When our enemies start dying of natural causes.” –Jay Leno
“In less than 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next President. Yeah. Actually, if I were you — if I were you, I wouldn’t cheer. You’d be surprised how much President Bush can screw up in 12 hours. He just launched an attack on the Bahamas, okay?’” –Conan O’Brien
“They’re going nuts in Washington, though. The festivities have already begun. Yesterday, in Washington, Barack Obama was on hand — did you see this? For performances by Jon Bon Jovi, Garth Brooks and John Mellencamp. Yeah. So, folks, it really is a new era for African-Americans. All the music they love.” –Conan O’Brien
