Late Night Political Jokes - January - Week #4
David Letterman’s Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, “America’s Funniest Haircuts.”
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop.
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like “BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH.”
7. Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest.
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape.
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich.
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River.
3. I don’t know … how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, “You Betcha!” a lot.
1. Uhhh…resign?
“Former President Bush is back at his place in Texas. It’s known as Rancho Inepto.” –David Letterman
“Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it’s like he’s still president.” –David Letterman
“But I got to say, so far so good for the Obamas. The family is settled in. There’s the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they’re settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint — and they don’t want to make trouble — but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney’s dungeon.” –David Letterman
“But moving out, Dick Cheney hurt his back. Did you hear about this? He was packing up his junk and moving out of his office, and he hurt himself. So apparently, the door did just hit him in the ass on the way out.” –David Letterman
“Citigroup just got $45 billion of our tax dollars. Did you see what they bought themselves? They spent $50 million on a brand new, French-made private jet for their executives. Has a bar, private entertainment center, seating for 12. You know, if there’s ever a reason to reopen Guantanamo Bay, this is it, okay. That’s our jet! We should be taking that. They should be on Southwest.” –Jay Leno
“And Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s impeachment trial got under way today. But he was not there. He didn’t go. He went on ‘The View’ instead, which is a pretty smart move, because it will help his case when he pleads insanity.” –Jay Leno
“Man, you could not watch television today without seeing Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who is saying all these crazy things about himself. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Yeah, Blagojevich said, ‘I have a dream, and for 100 bucks, I’ll tell you about it.’” –Conan O’Brien
“Looks like the Obamas have already helped the economy. J. Crew stock has gone up 10%, because First Lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mr. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?” –Conan O’Brien
“I was thinking about the inauguration. It was pretty amazing. There were two million people crammed into that mall this week. Two million people. Not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that will all change now that Congress is back.” –Jay Leno
“The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time.” –Jay Leno
“Hey, did you hear about this? Today it was revealed that the chamber music they played, you know Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma? It was recorded. It was pre-recorded, and they were just kind of lip-syncing. They said it was too important to mess up. You know, unlike the swearing-in ceremony.” –Jay Leno
“You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something.” –Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel ‘The View.’” –Jay Leno
“After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it’s gonna be on Verizon.” –Jay Leno
“It was announced today they’re coming out with an official Inauguration Day DVD. Listen to this, it’s going to contain a lot of extras, including the Supreme Court Justice John Roberts blooper reel. You don’t want to miss this.” –Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It’ll shut down.” –Jay Leno
“He’s really getting tough. Yesterday, President Obama issued an executive order banning gifts from lobbyists, any gifts to anyone serving in his administration. In fact, today they went down and removed the gas pump that Exxon installed in Dick Cheney’s office.” –Jay Leno
“Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton’s vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She’s out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out ’cause of tax issues. The good news, she’s still eligible to be treasury secretary.” –Jay Leno
“Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That’s big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.” –Conan O’Brien
