Late Night Political Jokes - February - Week #1
“President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes.” –Jay Leno
“See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you’re not performing well, and you’re taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour?” –Jay Leno
“The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 — the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it’s fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What’s the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?” –Jay Leno
“It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That’s where you throw good money after bad, or as the government calls it, a stimulus package. But very similar.” –Jay Leno
“People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here’s how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm.” –David Letterman
“Monday is the Westminster Kennel Club’s 133rd Annual Dog Show. As you know, these just aren’t regular dogs. These dogs are scrutinized and gone over, literally, with a fine-tooth comb. And they’re judged, here’s how they’re judged: appearance, of course, appearance. Silky coat, silky coat. Firm hindquarters, firm hindquarters. It’s also how John McCain chose his running mate.” –David Letterman
“So every dog is groomed, blow-dried and flea-dipped. You know, it’s the same thing they did to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich for the impeachment trial.” –David Letterman
“And Citigroup, who received a huge bailout from the government, owns the naming rights to the New York Mets’ new stadium. It is currently called Citi Field, but because of Barack Obama’s crackdown on the Federal bailout money, Citigroup will legally have to change the name of the stadium to Money Grubbing Bastards Field.” –Jay Leno
“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently said that every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, ‘500 million Americans lose their jobs.’ I think the Botox is starting to seep into her brain.” –Jay Leno
“And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they’re losing money because people aren’t using the postal service as much as they used to. If you’d like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com.” –Jay Leno
The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages.” –Jay Leno
“Either today or yesterday, Barack Obama said Americans are ’sick and tired’ of people ‘being rewarded for failure.’ Is he talking about me?” –David Letterman
“I’m sorry you folks weren’t here last night, because you missed a big show. Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was here. You know, it’s funny. The audience really liked him, but they impeached me.” –David Letterman
“You realize Obama would have less tax problems if he had nominated Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes. They actually have better records than most of these people.” –Jay Leno
“This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn’t the first prediction we’re all going to fry to death? Huh? What’s worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?” –Jay Leno
“And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus.” –Jay Leno
“And the Smithsonian Institute wants the hat that Aretha Franklin wore at President Obama’s inauguration. They want to put the hat on display, and they will take possession of the hat as soon as they can build a new wing to house it. ” –Jay Leno
“This weekend, the Republican National Committee elected their first-ever African-American chairman. His name is Michael Steele, or as he’s known in the Republican Party, ‘the black guy.’” –Conan O’Brien
“Happy birthday to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now 68 years old. So you know what that means? He beat the spread.” –Jay Leno
“And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton’s brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. ” –Jay Leno
“There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they are very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes.” –Jay Leno
“Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn’t had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?” –Jay Leno
