POLITICAL DUMMIES.com

“Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. She met with a group of children today. And she told them, ‘You kids are doing a great job making those pantsuits. They’re really fantastic.’” –Jay Leno

“And listen to this. While she was in China, she also managed to get a pirated copy of the movie ‘The Watchmen,’ which hasn’t even come out yet. They already have it. She bought it on the street. Fantastic.” –Jay Leno

“And at his trial this week, the Iraqi journalist, remember the one who threw his shoes at President Bush, remember that guy? Well, he said he rehearsed the attack for two years, rehearsed it for two years, even videotaped himself doing it. Well, how embarrassing is that? Guy practiced for two years and he still missed?” –Jay Leno

“Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week, where she had kind of an awkward moment. I guess she saw a couple of sumo wrestlers and said to the Japanese prime minister, ‘Oh, you have interns here, too.’” –Jay Leno

“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week. After the meeting, Pelosi asked for the Pope’s blessing, and he agreed. But there was an embarrassing moment when the Pope asked her to close her eyes. Pelosi said, ‘You know, I can’t. They don’t really close.’ ” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She’s blaming it on Alex Rodriguez’s cousin.” –David Letterman

“Luckily, Sarah Palin can see the IRS from her house.” –David Letterman

“Are you excited about the Academy Awards? There is a film in the Best Documentary category about Vice President Dick Cheney and his relationship with the Saudis. And you know what the name of that one is? ‘Lawrence of Arrhythmia.’” –David Letterman

“One of the largest Swiss banks is revealing its secret client list to the IRS Look at the headline: ‘Swiss Bank to Reveal Secrets.’ The story is in The New York Times so you know it’s partially true!” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He visited Canada, and let me tell you something: If Obama can finally mend our relationship with Canada, well then we’ll know this guy really is on to something.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Critics say the problem is people don’t understand what is in the budget. Well, of course, we don’t understand. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is explaining this to us. ‘Yeah, da budget is here with da money. You see, with da hydrogen and da green people, sometime you take it from here, and you put here, with da solar power!’” –Jay Leno

“Hey, the market went up three points today, so the stimulus package is working. Yeah! It’s a miracle!” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama, today, outlined his plan to deal with the mortgage mess and the housing crisis. The good news — he thinks he’s found a solution. The bad news — it involves arson.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton is on her first world trip around the world as secretary of state. She’s on tour in Asia. Hillary’s in Asia. Bill’s in heaven.” –David Letterman

“Right now, Hillary is visiting China. She’s trying to stop the proliferation of doorknob menus.” –David Letterman

“President Obama was in Arizona today, talking about his plan to help ease the home mortgage crisis. It seemed like a strange place to announce his plan, since most of the homes in Arizona are owned by John McCain.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington’s throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole.” –Jay Leno

“No, they said the stimulus package will give people an extra $13 in their paychecks. So, next time the bank starts closing in, you go, ‘Hey, hey, hey! I got 13 smackaroonies coming in.’” –Jay Leno

“And, you know, you got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. Like, today, instead of just saying, ‘Oh, from North to South,’ he said, ‘From the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.’ That sounds so much better than, ‘From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a@# beaches of California.’” –Jay Leno

“And police in Mexico found a pickup truck with side panels and bumpers that were made entirely of cocaine. Police got suspicious when the guy had a minor fender bender and claimed $2.5 million in damages.” –Jay Leno

“You remember Hillary Clinton? She has been married to Bubba for quite a while. Well, she is now the secretary of state, and she is on her first big round the world tour. She is on her big Asian tour. She wants to normalize relations with North Korea. No word yet about normalizing relations with Bill.” –David Letterman

“They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine’s Day, and I thought this was surprising: sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment.” –David Letterman

“I want to tell you something. You think it’s tough in New York City, California is bankrupt. Yeah, things are so - here’s how bad things are California. They’ve canceled the next three mudslides.” –David Letterman

“Only three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. The rest are withholding their votes so that they can blame Obama if it doesn’t work, which is perfectly acceptable. This is what politicians do. But I saw an article last week that said, ‘Is Obama’s Presidency already a failure?’ What I think has happened to Obama is this. It is kind of like George W. Bush was in the restroom before him and then came out and went away. And Obama’s gone in and he’s found something awful there.” –Craig Ferguson

“I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he’s a miserable failure, we’ll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term.” –Craig Ferguson

“We have four shows left, including tonight. It’s weird, I was thinking about it today. When we went on the air in 1993, I had no way of knowing that 16 years later we’d have an African-American president. Then again, Barack Obama had no way of knowing that an albino would be taking over ‘The Tonight Show.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law. The spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice.” –Jimmy Kimmel