“Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. She met with a group of children today. And she told them, ‘You kids are doing a great job making those pantsuits. They’re really fantastic.’” –Jay Leno
“And listen to this. While she was in China, she also managed to get a pirated copy of the movie [...]
“Well, it’s Thursday. You know what that means? Another Obama Cabinet member nominee has quit.” –Jay Leno
“Well, just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg has withdrawn as the nominee for Commerce Secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited ‘irresolvable conflict.’ So, apparently, he must have [...]
“President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes.” –Jay Leno
“See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you’re not performing well, and you’re taking taxpayer money, [...]
David Letterman’s Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, “America’s Funniest Haircuts.”
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop.
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like “BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH.”
7. Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest.
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich [...]
“Vice President Cheney pulled a muscle in his back. Did you see him in the wheelchair today? You would think being in a wheelchair would make Cheney more sympathetic, but it made him look kind of evil, didn’t it?” –Jay Leno
“Well, did you all see Obama’s speech? He said America is finally ready to lead [...]
